In the year of our Lord 1841, a young lady turns up in Edinburgh, ready to battle the undead. The problem is, no-one seems to care. As the bodies pile up – only to stand up and walk out of the morgue again – can Victoria Van Helsing and her ill-suited companions save the country from a vampire apocalypse?
Legend of the Holyrood Vampires is a radio comedy show consisting of four 30-minute episodes. It was written by established British author A. L. Kennedy and broadcast on BBC Radio Scotland.
This comedy has been written in an “anarcho-historic” style you might know from some other “historic” comedy shows. This includes a strong element of satirising Dickens by presenting issues such as poverty and poor living conditions in an extremely grotesque light; and you will meet people living in mud, not unlike the peasants in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There is an equally strong element of presenting a version of Victorian society that was entirely preoccupied with sex. As a consequence of all this, this horror-comedy show includes a number of absurd characters, in the style of Blackadder, and its “horror” in is not only based on blood and violence, but also on sickness and decay. Trade in dead bodies and body parts are hinted at, which is probably a faint reference to Burke & Hare; and there is also a character called Knox.
The show also plays with the palpable gaps that exist between Victoria’s image of Scotland on the one hand, and the (surreal) reality on the other. It gives the writer ample room to make fun of Scotland in general and to include “insider jokes” (for example about Leith, or the Edinburgh tram, or Dundonians) that only worked because this show was broadcast on Radio Scotland, and not nationwide.
The Van Helsings in this fictional universe are apparently descended from the Scottish McHelsing clan. And a long time ago, Hamish McHelsing got killed by a vampire in Transylvania. But it seems he fathered at least one child first, because there is a line of Transylvanian Van Helsings and Victoria is the last of that line. Her knowledge of Scotland comes from things she read in books, especially those of Walter Scott, whom she admires greatly. But in this universe, no-one in Edinburgh seems to know Scott or his work.
So, while Victoria knows precious little about Scotland, in a way the Scottish characters in this show know even less.
The plot revolves around a long-running battle between good and evil. Ever since Hamish McHelsing was killed, his family and the local Transylvanian vampire brood under the Countess of Schwartzenbergen have been involved in a deadly feud. And now that they have nearly wiped each other out, the Countess has moved her operations from the Carpathian mountains to Edinburgh, and Victoria has followed her there.
The fact that Victoria knows less about Scotland and Edinburgh than she thought, and the fact that locals either do not believe in vampires or simply do not care, make her quest to vanquish the Countess more difficult. And the Countess chose her new domicile with careful planning. As we are told repeatedly on the show, it is difficult to tell the average Scottish citizen apart from the undead ghouls.
As is traditional in any story of a quest, our heroine assembles a ragtag team of companions. And as this is a comedy, they are rather unusual: Bella, a non-union maid working daily 18-hour shifts; Hughie, a meek coward who assesses social benefits claims for the city council; and Aureila, an unsuccessful poet.
Of course there are many encounters with vampiric creatures, and in the end the inevitable final showdown. But none of that matters much. The story itself is of little consequence for the show – it is entirely focused on its absurd characters and situations, as well as its satirical elements. And that works fine as the show is delivered in 30-minute instalments; but it can get problematic if you listen to all 120 minutes in one go.
Likewise, the characters are only interesting in their absurdity; they have no realistic personality and are not “human beings” you feel or root for. Victoria, for example, is a stock character: a heroine with no connection to the world around her (and oblivious to it). Hughie and all the minor supporting characters are stock characters as well, with Bella being the only character with some depth.
The performances are very good and help to sell these characters. The most prominent cast members in that respect are Cariad Lloyd (Victoria), Karen Dunbar, and Greg McHugh (Hughie), but especially Sally Reid who gives a stand-out delivery as Bella. All other characters are too one-dimensional or too conventional to give the actors much room to shine, no matter how good the performance.
The writing is very good, even if I do not necessarily agree with all of the choices regarding the humour. The dialogue is fitting for each character – and Sally Reid (along with Karen Dunbar) benefits from receiving the best lines. Apart from the above-mentioned “inside jokes” and the show’s other main satirical themes, there are many minor satirical blows at things like religious hypocrisy, the gossip-peddling gutter press, the trope of the unsuccessful poet, and even things as unlikely as Moore’s Santa Claus poem.
In general, the dialogue on this show could prove problematic for some listeners. Between the Scottish accents, Victoria’s Eastern European accent, the speech patterns and “lingo” of the street urchins and working class caricatures, and the slurred, croaking, or hissing speech of the many sick and/or old people as well as the vampiric ghouls, you will occasionally have a hard time understanding what’s being said. And this being radio, without visual context or clues, does not help.
One bright spot, however, is that Cariad Lloyd manages to give Victoria a reasonably convincing (if not realistic) accent that is never getting on your nerves and never getting in the way of understanding what she is saying.
Legend of the Holyrood Vampires is a pretty amusing show that is definitely worth listening to if its specific type of satirical humour appeals to you. I would rate this at around 6.5 out of 10.
supplement [2020-07-01]: Victoria Van Helsing – The Curse of Crossmyloof (2015)
On New Year’s Day 2015, A. L. Kennedy’s Victoria van Helsing returned to Radio Scotland to engage in some more demon-slayage. The Curse of Crossmyloof sees the return of the previous cast, while the scene shifts from Edinburgh to Glasgow – likely as part of the BBC’s continuous struggle to represent all regions equally. This sequel consists of only two half-hour episodes, as opposed to the Holyrood Vampires’ four parts.
Our heroes have split up into two demon-hunting teams, and in the time-gap that is implied between this story and Legend of the Holyrood Vampires, they have vanquished a fair number of demons all over Scotland. Our protagonists all end up in Glasgow, where some new evil is afoot.
I am not devoting a separate review for his sequel series, because there are (almost) no vampires in it. There is also nothing new to say about it; everything I said about Legend of the Holyrood Vampires still stands: The Curse of Crossmyloof has the same style and the same type of humour, including the “bad poetry” narration.
Despite of all the similarities, I liked this less than Legend of the Holyrood Vampires. Maybe the story just happened to work a little less well? But in all likelihood the style and humour were just wearing a bit thin for me by the time I listened to The Curse of Crossmyloof; and/or I felt just a little disappointed that they did not take this opportunity to make some changes and try something a bit different.
I’d rate The Curse of Crossmyloof at about 5.5 to 6.0 out of 10.
Vampire Film Reviews 
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